Friday, April 27, 2007

Karen Does Ben's Wildflower, By Carol Lynne...

Interesting cover...

Please note, the following review contains spoilers and excerpts.

This review was painful to write, but it had to be done. Carol Lynne, if you happen to come across this review, whilst googling yourself, I’d recommend that you don’t read any further. It’s not a gushing lovey-dovey review, in fact, it may be a tad… harsh? I’m sorry.

Anyway, without further ado, here’s the blurb from Elloras Cave.

My Verdict

Jesus. Effing. Christ.

I can honestly say, it’s been a while since I read a book so bad, I had to review it.

I’m almost sorry to do this to Ms Lynne, but I can’t imagine who thought it was a good idea to put this book out for public consumption. Seriously, I don’t even know where to begin.

I should have known things were gonna be bad when the hero insisted on calling the heroine ‘Wildflower’. Could the author be more corny?

The sheer amateurish nature of this book, lead me to conclude that the author was fairly new to publishing, and looking at her website, it seems that I may be right, unless of course she publishes under another guise Please say it aint so!.

For the love of all things Oprah, please let her be a newbie author, because if she aint, then she’s got no fucking excuse for the pile of steaming horse manure that I’ve just subjected myself to.

The characterisation was poor beyond belief, I couldn’t get over the ridiculously stilted dialogue, the slightly bizarre storyline, and the whole host of secondary characters, who all seemed to be either gay, or at least thinking about it.

Ben and Kate (the hero and heroine) have some friends who are involved in a menage relationship. The woman in the menage is pregnant, and the two men are denying her sex because apparently pregnant women can’t indulge in carnal activities.

Now bear in mind that this is a contemp set in a town called Junctionville, but there’s a strange old scene where Ben is lamenting over the issues that Kate has been having, to his friends, when suddenly, the two men, who form part of the menage start tonguing each other in public, and feeling each other’s cocks. Huh?

Not only that, but at one point Ben, who’s obviously a manly heterosexual man, is on the phone to one of his buddies, and he turns round to find that the two men, unable to keep their passions below boiling, start going at each other whilst he’s sat there. And when I say going at each other, what I mean is, one guy sticks his tongue in the other guys arse, and starts licking him out.

What. The. Fuck?

Now I’m not saying that shit like this doesn’t happen, but considering that one of the men was the local sheriff, and the other one had an equally ‘masculine’, public minded job, I just don’t think they would behave like that in a straight bar, in a town called Junctionville, know what I mean?

I’m sorry, I’m usually willing to suspend disbelief when reading erotic romance, but this was just something I couldn’t see happening. This is the equivalent of TTG and I having dinner with friends, then me pulling down my knickers, and letting him feast on my womanly bud. I think not.

I know that these kind of scenes happen a lot in erotic romance, but this was a contemp set in a town called Junctionville for fuck’s sake, if that doesn’t scream redneckville, I don’t know what does.

What I couldn’t understand was that there was this raving lunatic, who was obviously going round causing Katie-Did trouble, and kept trying to kill her at every opportunity, whilst leaving big-assed clues that he was the guilty party, yet for some reason, nothing was ever done about it.

Erm… hold on, on second thoughts, that doesn’t sound so far-fetched. That shit happens in England all the time.

Oh by the way, did I mention that Ben (our hero) had a problem with his overgrown dick? No? Well he did. What clued me in on his little problem, I hear you ask?

Oooh, let me count the ways:

Clue number one: He has a ten inch dick.

Clue number two: He has to stick it to his heroine, itty bitty inches at a time, so that he doesn’t rip her in half.

Clue number thr… fuck that, more to the point, I want to know who the fuck says something as stupid as ‘I can handle your cock’s circumference’? Blech.

Clue number four: Even Ben’s friends have noticed the size of his pecker.

Good fucking lord. *Head-desk*

I get it, Ben has a big dick, and it’s been the bane of his life, now please move on with the fucking story.

*Ahem*, I digress…

Not only were the primary characters totally lacking any kind of depth, the villain, was just sooo over the top evil, I almost found myself sympathising with him. He was a crap baddie, and it didn’t help that he didn’t seem to be the brightest tool in the box either.

Anytime he did something evil to Kate, he left great big fucking clues that anybody with half a brain cell would have been able to figure out. He might as well have taken out an ad in the local rag, telling everybody that he did it. Sigh.

I just remembered that there was a sub-plot involving a couple of Ben’s friends, that seemed to have just been dumped in the middle of the book. There was simply no rhyme or reason for it, so my best guess was that the author was doing her utmost to meet her minimum word count. Oh the pain.

Another thing that bemused me was Ms Lynne’s apparent love for the phrase, ‘Little Fucker’. I wonder if she realised just how often she used said phrase, when referring to the villain of the book? I was tempted to count, but I couldn’t be arsed. Anybody who buys Ben's Wildflower will quickly see what I mean.

I briefly mentioned the stilted dialogue before, but it was gems like the following that had me nearly peeing my panties. I’m not sure that was the intended reaction though:

“Speaking of fucking. I’ve been giving it some thought and if you’re still interested I think I’d like you to fuck me in the ass.”

I loved how the author wrote the above in such a way that Kate could have been easily asking for more sugar in her coffee. Did I mention that the heroine was nervous about sex when she met the hero? And that for some reason she had bras with the nipples cut out, even though she was scared of S.E.X?

This book was so badly written, that it made Thea Devine’s Sensation seem positively wonderful. My regular readers will know that this is not a good thing. Seriously.

There were so many things wrong with Ben's Wildflower that the problem would be knowing when to stop listing my issues with the book. It was craptastic in way that I haven’t experienced in a long while.

I have to say, it isn’t often that I come across a book so bad, that I have to question what the editor was smoking when she agreed to publish it. I’m sorry Ms Lynne, I pray that you aren’t somebody I actually like. but this book was so technically inept that it leads me to indeed wonder what the fuck your editor was shooting up, when she offered you a contract for it.

It really was that crap.

You can visit Carol Lynne’s very interesting website here, and buy Ben’s Wildflower in e-book format, here.

Ok, that’s enough from me, I’m just going to gargle with mouthwash to take the nasty taste of this book out of my mouth. I feel so dirty, I think that a bath is also in order.

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