In For A Penny, In For A Pound...
Gwen honey, just for you:
From Eva Gale and Cindy Cruciger's Blogs...
"On Toxic Criticizim Being Labeled as Snark
A long time ago I read How To Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities, by Dr. Lewis Lund, and going through all of the recent kerfluffle (or bullshit as it more honestly is) brought some of the book back to mind. Why? Because I was trying to see if how I had felt was disproportionate.
In the book, the author Dr. Lund defines a Toxic Personality [chpt 1:3]
A Toxic Behavior is any word, deed, or action which detracts from you being your best self or hinders others from becoming their best selves.
Ironically, many toxic personalities are well meaning. They sincerely believe they are acting in a loving way, and that the ends justify the means. Frequently these people send the message, "I am doing this for your own good," or "someday you will thank me for this."
Compounding the issue is that there are times when people are required to criticize, reprove, or punish. The difference between toxic behavior and non toxic is in the APPROACH. HOW they deal with the negative issue. The MANNER in which they treat others is what defines them as toxic. These people either minimize the detrimental effects of their negative approach upon the person or justify it as necessary. They fail to recognize the magnitude of their negativity. It not only attacks the issue or behavior, but the very essence of the person. In their minds, the intensity of their negativity is appropriate. They lack a fundamental sense of proportionality. They use a twenty pound hammer when a five pound hammer would do. Most of them lack the knowledge and the skills of positive reinforcement. They assume the negative is the only viable approach to them.
Most toxic people view themselves as helpful. They refuse to admit they are toxic. In other words, they live in denial. They are not hypercritical; others are hypersensitive. Their behavior is normal in their eyes and other people are just overreacting. Even when confronted with the truth their blatant excesses of toxic behavior, they will persist in viewing the "real problem" as the inability of others to handle the truth. the irony is that these people feel they should be appreciated, and not resented, for their toxic insights. After all, they are "just being honest," or "truthful" or "observant".[pg 4]
On page 7 he numbers 54 examples of toxic behaviors, but I'll just highlight the ones that I think pertain.
3. Manipulating others by guilt, ridicule, or rejection. [Yes, all three apply. As writers we'll feel guilty that we don't measure up, fear the ridicule, and the rejection int he face of ridicule can stop us from writing all together.]
7. Mocking, scorning, or belittling others.
9. Embarrassing others in front of friends, family or strangers. [my bold]
10. Sending persistent messages of incompetence or inadequacy of others. [fucktards, anyone?]
14. An inability to show understanding, empathy, or compassion for other people's feelings or views. [*cough* Gail Northman debacle *cough*]
18. Easily offended by others. [there are a few]
22. Hypersensitivity to being criticized. [three of the four horseman]
39. Feeling justified in hurting the feelings of others.
41. Fomenting a crisis to to keep people stirred up and on guard.
52. Others are always worried about hurting their feelings. [Sycophants, anyone? Even when they give a hurtful review, those fucktards better not be an Author Behaving Badly. So shut up and write.]
53. Others are always "walking on eggs" around them. [As Selah says, They like you when you stand by your convictions, as long as it happens to be their convictions, too.]
[pg 10] All toxic people share a narcissistic characteristic of being exploitive. This means they take advantage of others to achieve their own selfish ends, regardless of the best interest of others. [it's called blog traffic-anything for blog traffic.]
Everyone exhibits toxic behavior at times. However, being able to apologize and accept responsibility for one's behavior is a healthy reaction. Not being willing to apologize and transferring responsibility for behavior to others is one of the signs of a toxic personality. The fundamental attitude of giving oneself permission to continuously act in toxic ways distinguishes a toxic personality from a singular toxic event. The idea that one is justified in acting inappropriate ways is the core belief of toxic people. They believe the other person deserves this treatment. [my bold]
[pg 11] They are fearful of losing power. [...] Most toxic people believe they themselves are not sufficient, so how could anyone else be enough?
So, apparently no, I'm not overreacting. Ferfe warned me long, long ago that, "That way there be dragons." and I poo-pooed her, saying that I thought they were smart, funny, and giving the genre the criticism that it needed. I admit, I was wrong. My ignorance and innocence didn't for see peers getting eviscerated and bled out all over the web, some unable to write again. And for that, I am sorry. But for standing up to it, never."
Labels: Dear Author, It's Not Snark, Karen Scott, Reviews, Smart Bitches, Trashy Books
POSTED BY EVA GALE AT 10:41 AM
(continued after the cut)
"Wow. You put way more thought into this than I did. I am humbled.
Good post and as I read it I realize that I dance close to many of those edges and cross over myself once in awhile. I blame the four horsemen for spreading badness. ;-) I will try to do better. "
Very nice. I think it will forever be a badminton game of who really has the toxic personality, though. I don't want to spend eternity playing, either. You'll forgive me if I stay mostly off to the side taking occasional visual pot shots at the people I think are asshats?
My own toxicity doesn't bother me--it's a toxic world and I'm following Mithridates' game plan.
I have to admit being toxic at times and especially with certain people. They seem to bring out the worst in me. The one thing that struck me the most in your post is this, "They use a twenty pound hammer when a five pound hammer would do." Dear Lord, does that describe me or what?!
Eva Gale said...
Nope, not as much as you think. It was all there in the good Dr.s book.
I've decided I can let my anger at watching others be hurt make me toxic. I will endeavor not to. This is my ending. But I will watch and try to ffer a shoulder, or posts of support when I see it happening again.
And I have my person I'm toxic with too, but they are not online.
Eva Gale's Blog Monday July 30th
"I always like to begin with an apology ~ To Candy July 30
Filed under Feeding the Beast, Jane's hyperbole, Define Bully by FerfeLaBat 2 comments Print This Post
After a review of the previous week I was hard pressed to find cause for me to issue an apology but, here goes.
I honestly do not believe that the woman who practically patented the phrase “Man Titty” (poking fun at Romance novel covers that use pictures of live, breathing cover models who can – in fact – read and do surf the web and are aware that their photos are being lampooned) could possibly be offended by the “Power of the rack”. Even though I am pretty sure you secretly loved it and I risk insulting your intelligence by saying this, I apologize. If nothing else having me apologize for doing something you do all the time should give you a good laugh.
Ferfe LaBat" (AKA Cindy Cruciger)
"I knew when Nora Roberts commented that she was drawing back from the blogs toward the end of the monster thread that all hell was about to break loose. Why? Because it was the equivalent of Paris Hilton and the other celebs saying they found God and would not be back to the night club scene. With out the famous people (or the possibility of famous people sightings), ninety precent of the hot venues would shut down in financial ruin. You had to do something. You have a book deal now and the print run and numbers are riding on your continually increasing blog audience. On a business decision level I can respect what you’ve done.
You and the other three Horsemen have paid me a HUGE compliment. Because you seem to honestly believe you are not bullies (insane as that belief may be) by executing your “coordinated blog effort” and throwing the full resources of your audiences and blogs at me, you are showing that you sincerely believe that I and my blog are as powerful as the four of you and your blogs combined. (Bullies pick on people they perceive as weaker than themselves.) Magnificent. Fucked up as all hell. But Holy shit I have never laughed so hard at a group of people losing their minds as I did last week.
To be continued tomorrow … "
Cindy Cruciger AKA Ferfelabat.com
Zeek Jul 30
The apology to Candy from the SB’s is spot on if you ask me.
besides they SO don’t know you if they thought the original post was you being spiteful.
mm mm mm
And that’s all you’ll ever hear from me on this matter.
2. Eva Gale Jul 30
I blogged a non apology.
Link Edited by ferfe
Ferfelabat.com 30th July 2007