Friday, May 06, 2005

Are We As Sexually Adventurous As We Think We Are?

I travelled to Sheffield this morning to meet one of our Dutch clients at the airport.
I went and sat in the business lounge, whilst I waited for her flight to come in.

I took out my notebook, and started thinking about topics for my blog. I looked to my right, to check if my client had arrived yet, and a lady wearing a red suit, with killer high heels, walked into the lounge. She made me think of Anal sex. Don’t look at me that way, I have no idea why she made me think of anal sex, I just did. Sheesh, you’ve got to get your inspiration wherever you find it.

Up until late last year, I was a backhole virgin. As far as I was concerned, ‘that’ hole wasn’t for anything other than an exit strategy. The thought of putting anything remotely phallic up there was a completely alien concept to me. Until one dark night…

I foolishly took one of those ‘How Adventurous are You in Bed’ sexual quizzes, written by nymphomaniacs and single men , in order to make us lowly vanilla-type personalities feel inadequate and unexciting! You were either exciting in bed or a dud, based on how much you scored on your answers to specific questions.

The quiz asked questions like, would you ever have a menage with two men, which I promptly ticked yes. Would I ever involve food during lovemaking, which I double ticked (Muillerlight strawberry yogurt is a special favourite as it’s ninety nine per cent fat free, so no guilt there).

The quiz asked a few more searching questions which I was able to give affirmative answers to, then guess what? I got a whole series of questions based on anal sex. What? Je ne comprends pas. What the hell?

Well seeing as I was an A-Hole virgin, there was no way I could answer yes to any of the questions, so I got deducted quite a few points for that. Yech!

The quiz moved on. The next questions were based on girl-girl experiences, which took me aback a little bit. Would it be politically incorrect to categorically state that the thought of my muff munching another female’s love bits makes me want to vomit over and over again? No? In that case, the thought of muff munching another female’s love bits makes me want to vomit over and over. Sorry, my idea of experimentation is limited to deciding whether to have gurkins in my Big Mac, rather than get the staff to take them out.

As you can imagine, I didn’t score anything for Girl-Girl experiences. When all the answers were given, the computer made a weird whirring noise, which I presumed meant that it was calculating my scores. My score came out at something like 22 points out of a possible 100. Sheesh, it was official, I was rubbish in bed. Oh the misery.

I decided to do something about my non-adventurous sex life.
I was never gonna try muff-diving, so that notion was disabused immediately, so I thought about trying anal work (I’m clenching my buttocks in rememberance), I mean how bad could it be?

I was advised by people who shall remain nameless that the best thing to do was to either practice with my own finger, hubby’s finger, or a toy. I opted for the toy as you can imagine, so I went to our local Anne Summer’s shop
where I purchased a Maestrobator thingy. I was also advised to get a lube for the session. I bought this from an out-of-village pharmacist cuz I didn’t want the girl at the counter, who I’ve probably baby sat at one point or another, to give me the same looks that I’ve been given in the past whilst buying condoms. It’s a look that says, “I know what you’re do-ing” in that irritating sing-song way.

That night, I prepared, I bathed in beautiful smelling bath oils, I had Lionel Richie on the radio telling me that I was three times a lady (this was all more for me than hubby) and I was wearing a nightie that made the most of my 36 B’s. I was a love machine and sex Goddess waiting to be unleashed… Arrrrr…
To cut to the point, Hubby played, I played, and my ass was never the same again. (after the initial nervous hysterical laughter).

Did I enjoy the experience? Honestly? I have no idea, but what I can say is, thank God for KY jelly!
I remember thinking at the time, man, Lora Leigh makes it seem much easier than this!

So have you done, or would you do anal? Go on, you can tell me, I promise, I wont breathe a word to anybody (grin).