Tuesday, May 03, 2005

My Current Top Peeves

Thanks for the inspiration Eve!

People who say that ‘It’s not the winning that counts, but the taking part” What a crock of shit. Nobody remembers who came second guys. We British are especially good at patting losers on the head, and rewarding them for coming last. This may be the reason why our athletes never win shit (except maybe rowing competitions).

Old People who still drive even though they can barely walk or speak. They cut you up, and blithely drive on, never bothering to check the mirror, to see the ten- car pile up they just caused behind them.

McDonalds staff who have really bad acne. (don't they all?) Ever heard of Clearasil? Yes? Well use it for Christ's sake!!

Bleeding Heart Liberals and Tree Huggers
I know you mean well, but damn it, I will buy make up that’s probably been animal tested, I refuse to eat tofu and houmous, just because you say I should, I will probably not buy Dolphin friendly tuna, just because it doesn’t occur to me to check the label. I will keep buying products in packages that aren’t necessarily biodegradable, I will wash my hair with that environmentally unfriendly shampoo, just because I want to avoid getting head lice, I refuse to wear tie-died clothes in order to prove that I don’t care about how I look, the fact is that I do care, and if you were to come down from your tree for long enough to have a shower, you too would recognise the usefulness of high alkaline soap.
I’m still annoyed that I now buy nothing but free range eggs, just because I saw a programme on TV about the treatment of caged hens. I have a high guilt trigger factor, and damn it all, you lot are ruining everything I used to enjoy and take for granted, so quit lecturing me already!

Pro-Life Campaigners. Everybody is entitled to their opinion on abortions, but geez, did ya have to set fire to that abortion clinic in protest? Do you realise that one of the doctors who was there at the time was seriously injured? Does this convince me that you people are passionate about your cause, or am I really left with the impression that y’all are nothing but vandalistic animals, who just want an excuse to cause mayhem? Let’s hope that you are never raped, and impreganted by your assailant, and end up with the difficult task of having to choose whether to keep the baby or not.

Jude Law. A more irritating man, I have yet to meet, highly over-rated and as far as I’m concerned, his movie ‘Alfie’, proved it. Michael Caine, you are not, dahhling!

Disabled parking spots. Have you noticed that the amount of Disabled Parking slots are increasing in numbers? The problem isn’t the parking slots themselves, it’s the fact that for the majority of the day these spaces will remain empty, whilst you drive round town like a lunatic trying to park and avoid the onslaught of road rage.

Grown women who use phrases like “hugs to my bestest pal”! ‘nuff said.

People who say stupid things.
I’ll come home from having been to the local supermarket, and my lovely next door neighbour will look at the legions of shopping bags and ask me if I’ve been shopping. Need I say more?

Pigeons. I hate them. What use are they? They mess up your newly washed car, they shit on your freshly laundered clothes, and they converge in the road knowing that you are unlikely to ever run them over (oh but I have been tempted…) They’re really nothing more than flying rats, Yech!

Oscar Nominations for films, I have neither heard of nor seen, and even if I was to watch said film, it’s basically guaranteed that I would leave the cinema, wondering how it ever got nominated for such a prestigious award.

Group List members waxing lyrical about authors they’ve met once. Why can’t they just say, this author is fabulous and leave it at that. Wax lyrical about their books all you like, cuz, this is really the reason why you love them so much. Don’t tell me that this person has an “inner beauty that’s there for the world to see” You don’t know shit about them, and let’s face it, after one meeting, the likelihood is that you still wont have a clue what they’re really like.

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks! that's an image I really didn't need.

Jehovah’s witnesses – (At the risk of offending many people out there) Do I really want to buy your Watch Tower, and hear you tell me that if your son/daughter was dying, you wouldn’t let her have a blood transfusion that could save her life because it’s against your religion? Is this likely to make me want to join your cult?
Don’t come to my door, wearing an out of season trench coat, that you’ve had for years, and are just too tight to buy another. By all means do what you need to do, but stay the fuck away from my doorstep whilst you’re doing it!

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

Sales People and Cataologue Promoters in department stores.
Have you noticed how they always seem to target you as you’re walking past? There were huggings of people who they just watched walk by, and so you feel relatively secure that they wont stop you, but no, they somehow seem to know that you have a high sucker factor, and are very likely to stop and answer their ridiculous surveys, or at the very least listen to what they have to say before you very politely tell them no.

Women who use public bathrooms and don’t flush the toilet... this is so gross... I go into the ladies and I have to pass over 5 or 6 because 3 are not flushed... one is out of paper... and the others don't have locks... and I know this is not just a few choice toilets... it's everywhere,... don't get me started on the ventilation systems either...

Miss World Contests. Bring back the days when we used to be able to laugh at the fact that they loved children (we all know that generally the only children you’ll really love are your own ) and wanted to save the world (one false nail at a time). Nowadays, all of them are either brain surgeons or scientists, where’s the fun in that?

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.
The ink isn’t even on his divorce papers yet, and already he’s met the woman of his dreams, even though less than a year ago, he already had the woman of his dreams. Oh how fickle Hollywood folks are. Let’s face it, this relationship wont last any longer than the end of the year, cuz Angelina and Lips just aren’t cut out for a normal relationship. Rebound (allegedly) relationships don’t work Brad, geez, didn’t your therapist tell you that?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"...... Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?