Karen Gets Historical: Part Three...

Night Fire (nice horse)

The posts are in order again

Well, I’m sure you’ll all be just thrilled to know that I managed to finish Night Fire.

I actually finished it last night, and unlike Season of The Sun, I had to look back at the blurb, to remind myself what the bloody book was about.

This is how the story goes:

Girl Abused is sold to Absolute Bastard Husband by her half-brother, without her knowledge.

Absolute Bastard marries Girl Abused, but is too old to get it up, so he subjects her to giving him oral satisfaction. (His dick still manages to stay limp though)

Absolute Bastard Husband treats her cruelly, and constantly whips her when he thinks she’s out of line. (sound familiar?)

The only person in the house that gives a toss about her is Girl- Interrupted Nanny. (actually she’s an old hag)

Girl Abused decides to grow a backbone and runs away to her half-brother, whom she mistakenly thinks will look after her, after learning of her husband’s cruelty.

Greedy Twat Half-Brother pretends to be sympathetic to her plight, but in actual fact, he calls Absolute Bastard Husband, and offers to return Girl Abused to him for a further five thousand pounds.

Absolute Bastard Husband agrees, and whilst Girl Abused is pleading her case to Greedy Twat Half-Brother, he is actually in the back room holding the belt that he usually whips her with.

Absolute Bastard husband drags Girl Abused home and gives her a jolly good beating. She doesn’t try to run again.

Absolute Bastard Husband is desperate to have more children, but as he has a limp dick, he invites his son over to the house with the intention of making Girl Abused have sex with him, and hopefully get her pregnant at the same time.

Absolute Bastard Husband, makes Girl Abused give Randy Step-Brother a blowjob. (Not nice)

That night Absolute Bastard chokes on a herring bone and dies. (Tragic)

Boy Hero Soldier has been in love with Girl Abused for years, but when they first met, she was just a wee young girl of 15, and he was too much of an honourable man to take advantage of her. He decides to wait before he makes her his wife.

Boy Hero Soldier, then gets called away to Toulouse on active duty (something to do with Napoleon), and doesn’t return to England until a few years later, which brings us up to date.

Girl Abused has inherited everything that belonged to her husband, and is now the lady of the manor.

Randy Step-Brother is still at the house, and insists that he will have her, as his father had wished. (shudder)

Girl Abused is having none of it, and orders him out of her house with his tail between his legs.

Randy Step-Brother goes to Greedy Twat Half-Brother, and between the two of them start hatching a plan to get her.

In the mean time, Boy Hero Soldier returns home, to the consternation of Girl Abused, who is very wary of all men, and their animalistic passions.

Boy Hero Soldier tries his best to woo her, but she’s not the same girl that he left all those years ago. This woman is much harder, and less trusting (ya think?)

Realising that Boy Hero Soldier will not give up easily, Girl Abused decides to sell the manor, and run away to Boston, where her sister lives.

Boy Hero Soldier scuppers her plan, and pretends to be a highwayman and kidnaps her, in order to prevent her from leaving the country. He takes her to a hunting lodge.

Unbeknownst to them, Greedy Twat Half-Brother, and Randy Step-Brother had hatched the same plan, and was waiting for her horse and carriage to arrive so that they could kidnap her. Of course Boy Hero Soldier got there first.

At the hunting lodge, Boy Hero tries to persuade Girl Abused that he loves her and that he wants her to marry him.

Girl Abused is not convinced and tries to run away from him, but it’s raining and she soon develops a fever that could kill her. (you can but hope… just kidding)

Boy Hero suddenly realises that her husband must have treated her really badly (give the man a badge) during their marriage, and vows that he will treat her well.

Close to death, Boy Hero, orders a minister to marry them, whilst she’s basically in a coma (don’t worry folks, he worked out how to make her say “I do”, whilst she was unconscious… it was a genius plan)

Girl Abused of course gets better, and Boy hero takes her home (she wasn’t too pleased that she woke up married to him).

Boy Hero takes her to his home, and begins the long road of trying to win her heart and trust by fair means or foul.

To cut a long story short, they find out that Girl-Interrupted nanny was the one who actually killed Absolute Bastard Husband, and is as nutty as a fruitcake. When Girl abused and Boy Hero start having consensual sex, she goes even more loopy, and tries to stab her whilst she’s sleeping with Boy Hero. (sigh)

Randy Step-Brother finally succeeds in kidnapping Girl Abused, and takes her back to his father’s old house, where he’s enlisted the help of Girl-Interrupted Nanny. (who escaped after trying to kill Girl Abused)

Girl-Interrupted Nanny kills Randy Step-Brother, whilst he’s trying to hump Girl Abused. She then sets fire to the house. (once again, sound familiar?)

Of Course, Boy Hero Soldier gets to Girl Abused in time, and drags her out of the house, leaving Girl-Interrupted Nanny to burn in her madness.

They rediscover their love for each other, and live happily ever after.

Phew, that was one long sucker!

My Verdict

I’ve noticed that Catherine has a habit of conveniently killing off the evil husbands who wed her heroines. The problem of course is that most of the time, the murder just doesn’t come across as plausible. For instance, the heroine’s evil husband choked on a herring bone. Come on now. WTF?

It could be me, but what’s up with making all her heroines go through the kind of abuse, that would generally guarantee that they would end up in a nuthouse?

Also, the whole making the heroine give her a step-brother a blow job? Totally unnecessary. I could have perhaps slept better if that scene had been omitted.

Night Fire was obviously more interesting than Moonspun Magic, but it was basically the same story as Season of The Sun, but with marginally less drama.

I certainly hope the rest of her historical romances aren’t along the same lines of Abused Child Bride, and Old Fart Husband Who Croaks, as per Night Fire and Season of The Sun. I just don’t think I could cope.

The next story that I’m due to read is Jade Star. I suspect this story will be much of the same muchness. We can but hope that this is not the case… If it is, then absolutely no more reading of Catherine’s historical books. No more. Ever. Again